Mad Lists: Top 10 Directors

Hello my fellow readers (all 3 of them), and welcome to my November edition of Mad Lists! One of my favourite directors of all time, Christopher Nolan, is coming out with his new movie Interstellar this weekend. With that, I've decided to do a top 10 list of my all time favourite directors. Some of my selections may shock you, some you might agree with, and some might make you call me a retard 10 000 times for putting them on there. Whatever the case, just keep on reading and let me know what you think when you're done.

By the way, don't let the above picture deceive you... Senor Spielbergo will not be on this list... But his unionized American equivalent just might be!

Anyways, let's get on with this, shall we?

10. Stanley Kubrick

Yes, one of the most beloved directors of all time is all the way down at number 10 on my list. So I imagine that most of you are saying this to me right now:

Okay, so before anyone sends a package of anthrax to my house, let me make my case. First of all, just because he's at the bottom of this top 10 list doesn't mean that I think he's a bad director, in fact, I really like most of his movies! I just don't really like his movies as much as I like movies from other directors on this list. For example: I thoroughly like A Clockwork Orange, but at the same time, I've seen better character studies, and I've seen youth debauchery presented in much better ways. The movie that everyone calls his best, that being 2001: A Space Odyssey, is the most overrated movie I've ever seen in my life and does not deserve all the accolades it gets in my opinion (you can read more of my thoughts on that movie here).

With that being said though, most of his other movies are awesome! Full Metal Jacket is one of the best war movies I've ever seen, The Shining still scares the living shit out of me, and the aforementioned A Clockwork Orange is a disturbingly great film! What is my favourite Kubrick movie, you ask? Well, I've got to say it's Dr. Strangelove, that movie is a black comedy masterpiece and one of the funniest movies I've ever watched. If you don't agree with that, then you'll have to answer to the Coca Cola company!

Why else is he so low on this list? Well, the guy is a mastermind when it comes to cinematography, as he can set up a shot like it's nobody's business, but when it comes to characterization and narrative, he's not the best at it. His style can get a little self-indulgent at times and it can get old really quick, and even when his films' narrative flow and character development are at their best, I've still seen better. Do you disagree? Are you pissed? Well, wait until you see who I put ahead of him!
 


9. John McTiernan

 
Don't know the name? Well, you definitely know his movies. He's the director of such action classics like Die Hard, Predator, and The Hunt for Red October. Outside of that, he's also made Die Hard With A Vengeance and the eternally misunderstood and under-appreciated action satire Last Action Hero. He's the quintessential action director, with a feel for suspense that matches that of Hitchcock. Yes, I put this guy ahead of Kubrick... You mad bro?

Another of McTiernan's strengths is his ability to portray great character development. This guy's movies feature some legendary characters, such as John McClane, The Predator, Hans Gruber, Marko Ramius, Dutch, and Jack Slater. As mentioned before, his most under-appreciated movie is Last Action Hero, it was a brilliant satire that had fun with all of the action movie clichés that McTiernan himself had a hand in inventing. Think of it as the Scream of action movies. It was also great to see Arnie pretty much making fun of himself throughout the whole thing.

Favourite movie? Well, as much as I love LAH, and as awesome as Predator and The Hunt for Red October are, this one is a no-brainer: Die Hard. It was an action game changer and features both one of the greatest heroes and greatest villains in movie history (that being John McClane and Hans Gruber). It's one of my favourite films of all time and one of the best pure action thrillers ever made.

Granted, the ladder half of his career hasn't been good to him (Rollerball, The 13th Warrior, Basic... yikes!), but he's definitely left his footprint in movie history and he will always be a favourite of mine.



8. Paul Verhoeven

Once again, you probably don't know the name, but after seeing that pic, you know at least one of his movies! Verhoeven's style is one that is completely over the top, but with a darkly-humourous, satirical sensibility. He has the ability to entertain any kind of audience, while making his movies turn a mirror on western society and showcasing all of its ugliness and ridiculousness. Do you disagree with him being on the list? Well, I'm just going to take some time to explain why and I'll be back home in time for corn flakes!

A Dutch-born director who began his career in Europe, he came on the Hollywood scene in 1987 with the masterpiece that is Robocop and has never looked back, with massively entertaining gems like the Sci-Fi mindfuck Total Recall, the classic erotic thriller Basic Instinct, the epitome of so-bad-it's-good Showgirls, and the pure fucking awesome pile of cheese: Starship fucking Troopers! Ok, yes, he made Hollow Man after all of that, but the stench of that movie doesn't erase the the brilliance of his movies before it.

To some, his style may seem disjointed, cheesy, and too over-the-top for its own good. But I think that's the point of so many of his films! They're meant to be action oriented, tongue-in-cheek social satires that are not only fun as hell at face value, but are smart and thought provoking beneath the surface. Verhoeven is a filmmaker who knows what he's best at, and does a masterful job of presenting himself.

My favourite film of his is Robocop without a doubt. It was a movie that was tailor-made to fit his style and the result was an absolute masterpiece of biblical proportions. I still have love for Total Recall, as Arnie's cheesy style of acting was a perfect match for Verhoeven, and Starship Troopers is just plain fucking awesome. I do think Showgirls is a pretty decent film: Once you look past the horrible acting and the gratuitous nudity, it's actually a pretty good satire of show business and the chauvinistic Hollywood lifestyle. Yeah, Hollow Man was awful, but hey, even the best can fail at times... I mean... David Fincher made Alien 3... 

Oh, spoiler alert...

7. David Fincher

Another director who has a style all to his own, David Fincher began his directorial career in the music video business, his most iconic video being Aerosmith's "Janie's Got a Gun." From that platform, he jumped onto the Hollywood scene in the early 90's. Things didn't start out well for Fincher, as he received the directors credit for the abomination Alien 3. But from then on, he has become one of the most respected directors making movies today!

His resume includes the classic neo-noir cop thriller Se7en, the masterpiece that is Fight Club, the underrated-as-fuck Panic Room, the game changing The Social Network, and his latest piece of awesomeness: Gone Girl. Like Verhoeven, Fincher has a knack for turning a mirror on society and showcasing it's ugliness to his audience. The only difference is that Fincher's social commentary is much more subtle, which fits perfectly with his dark, gritty, character driven style of filmmaking. 

Yes, Alien 3 will always be a black eye on his legacy, so much so that he has publicly disowned the movie, but everything since then has been gold to say the least. Favourite movie of his? Well, Fight Club without a doubt, followed closely by Gone Girl, Se7en, The Social Network, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo... aww fuck, any movie of his not named Alien 3! Fincher is a living legend, if you haven't watched any of his movies... Why?

6. Clint Eastwood

Most people know Clint Eastwood as one of the most badass actors on the planet, playing some legendary characters such as The Man with No Name, Inspector Harry Callahan, Walt Kowalski, and William Munny. But what most people forget is that Eastwood is also a pretty fucking awesome director. He has two Best Director Oscars in his name, and some of his films are frequently mentioned as some of the greatest movies ever made.

Eastwood directorial resume is so long that I don't think I can touch on all of them. He made his directorial debut with Play Misty For Me in 1971 and has never looked back. He directed two of the best westerns of the 70s: High Plains Drifter and The Outlaw Josey Wales; he made some notable films in the 80s like The Honky Tonk Man and Pale Rider. But he really came into his own as a director when the 90s came around. In 1992, he directed Unforgiven, which in my opinion is the best western not directed by Sergio Leone, and that won him his first Oscar. Since then he's made gems like The Bridges of Madison County, Absolute Power, Mystic River, Space Cowboys, Flags of Our Fathers, Letters From Iwo Jima, and Invictus. He won his second Oscar in 2005 for the heart-wrenching boxing movie Million Dollar Baby, and should've been nominated for another one for the flat-out awesome Gran Torino!

Was that tough to keep up with? Yeah, it was for me too, but it just goes to show how much this man has done in his career. What's my favourite of his, you ask? Well, as much as I love Unforgiven, I have to go with Gran Torino. That movie was a brilliant portrayal of a bitter old man in his dying days, and very subtly portrays the horrors of a gang lifestyle. The dialogue in that movie is fucking hilarious, too!

Sure, Eastwood can be hit or miss at times (just see Trouble with the Curve if you want proof of that), but his hits far outweigh his misses, and that's good enough to put him on this list.



5. Christopher Nolan

Cracking the top 5 on this list is one of the most respected directors of the last 15 years. Nolan is known for having intricate plots, crisp cinematography, and very grounded, gritty tones. He has a knack to create suspense out of thin air, and has the ability to keep his audiences engaged and invested in the film even throughout some of his lengthiest efforts. He may polarize moviegoers at times, but for my money, he's one of the best directors making movies today.

He has brought Batman back to life, he squeezed one last great performance out of Al Pacino,  cast Robin Williams against type to which he made a terrific performance, and has repeatedly given us some of the greatest psychological thrillers of our time. He told a story backwards in Memento, given us the story of a sleepless corrupt cop in Insomnia, completely revolutionized comic book movies with The Dark Knight trilogy, and gave us the dreamy mindfuck Inception. Time will tell if Interstellar will hold up to the rest of his films, but his resume is, movie for movie, one of the best of the 21st century.

Most people consider The Dark Knight to be his best movie. Well, I have to go along with that crowd as well. It is a masterpiece and in my opinion the greatest superhero movie ever made. Batman Begins and The Dark Knight Rises are right up there for me as well, and my favourite film of his outside of the Dark Knight Trilogy is Insomnia. It features Al Pacino's last great role, and arguably the most eerily creepy performance of Robin Williams's career. All of that is more than enough for me to put him on this list!



4. Quentin Tarantino

This selection probably won't shock anyone, and why should it? He's one of the best directors of all time and has one of the most unique, distinctive directorial styles ever. When you watch a Tarantino movie, you KNOW it's a Tarantino movie! While some directors can sometimes be too self indulgent for their own good, Tarantino uses his quirky, unapologetic, ultra-violent, razor sharp witty style to serve his stories instead of serving himself. That's the mark of a great filmmaker! 

Most of you know his movies by now: Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Four Rooms, Jackie Brown, Kill Bill, Inglourious Basterds, Django Unchained, and his highly anticipated 2015 western, The Hateful Eight. Many of these films are regarded by many as masterpieces and some of the greatest movies of our generation! That is especially the case for Pulp Fiction, as it  has shown up on many "best of" lists since it's release. Three of his movies have been nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars and Tarantino himself has been nominated for best director twice... Each time he got robbed, horribly... But at least he's won some oscars for writing! And that's another talent he has: writing. His knack for chalking up memorable dialogue is like no other. Every line he writes is so quotable and memorable that it's impossible to think of his best piece of writing. His writing style fits perfectly with his filmmaking style and it adds to Tarantino's distinctiveness as a storyteller.

My favourite film of his is obviously Pulp Fiction, with Django Unchained being my second favourite and Kill Bill trailing right behind it. There's nothing more I can say about this guy that hasn't already been said, other than the fact that his writing is on par with Scorsese's and his cinematography is on par with Leone's...

 

Oops, nothing like giving it away, eh?

 

3. Sergio Leone

Those who me knew that they'd be seeing this BAMF on this list somehere. He takes the bronze medal on this top 10 and has made some of the nastiest, dirtiest, badass-iest movies ever! Leone is known for his westerns, which is fitting, because he'd probably be one bad motherfucking outlaw if he lived in that time period. Heck, his name alone looks and sounds like it belongs on an old 1800's wanted poster!

His filmmaking resume isn't as big a others on this list, as Leone only has 8 films to his name. In this case though, it's quality over quantity. An Italian native, he fell in love with American westerns in the 50's and always wanted to make one of his own. After making Gli ultimi giorni di Pompei (The Last Days of Pompeii) and Il Colosso di Rodi (The Colossus of Rhodes) in the late 50s/early 60s, he finally got his chance. The release of A Fistful of Dollars (a western retelling of Akira Kurosawa's Yojimbo) in 1964 changed the landscape of the western genre forever. With this release, he popularized the "Spaghetti Western" subgenre, put Clint Eastwood on the map, and the film itself spawned two sequels, in what would become known as the Dollars Trilogy. For a Few Dollars More was the second installment of this trilogy, and it was much darker and more sinister than AFOD in my opinion, it also made a star out of Lee Van Cleef, Eastwood's counterpart in that movie. Then, in 1966, Leone directed one of the greatest movies of all time: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. With great performances from Van Cleef, Eastwood, and Eli Wallach, not to mention the gorgeous and stunning cinematography, Leone had finally perfected his craft, and the result was outstanding. I've gone in depth about TGTBATU  in my review of the movie, so I won't say much more about it... But my god, that movie still holds up today!

Leone wasn't done after the Dollars Trilogy though, as in 1968, he released another landmark western masterpiece: Once Upon a Time in the West. Like his previous movie, I've already reviewed OUATITW so I won't bore you any further with that. That film spawned another two sequels which would become known as the "Once Upon a Time..." Trilogy. This trilogy included the Spaghetti Western self-parody Duck, You Sucker (released internationally as Once Upon a Time... The Revolution) in 1972. Then, after 10 years of work, he released his final film, the 4-hour gangster epic Once Upon a Time in America, starring Robert De Niro. That movie was a fantastic swan song and a big "Fuck You!" to any critic who considered Leone a one-trick pony.

As you may already know, my favourite film of his is The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly; but in all honesty, that was a tough choice, because I consider all of his films to be brilliant! His artistic vision, and his way of letting his visuals tell his stories are matched by no one. Like Tarantino, Leone's style is one that is his own, and his films are ones that everyone should see before they die.



2. Martin Scorsese

Where Leone was quality over quantity, Martin Scorsese's quality matches his quantity, more or less. This guy is so good that he can probably make a groundbreaking film in his sleep by now. He's what I consider to be the master of character studies, and has a very documental, fly-on-the-wall style that presents his stories and allows his audience to make the judgments. There is no other director like him, and he takes the runner-up spot on this list!

Scorsese's long ass resume speaks for itself: Mean Streets, Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, The King of Comedy, The Last Temptation of Christ, fucking GOODFELLAS, Cape Fear, Casino, Gangs of New York, The Aviator, The Departed, Hugo, The Wolf of Wall Street... Umm... how does he only have 1 Oscar again? The Academy actually thought that a Kevin Costner movie was better than a Scorsese movie at one time... think about that for a second: THEY THOUGHT KEVIN COSTNER MADE A BETTER MOVIE THAN SCORSESE DID... ARE THESE PEOPLE FUCKED?

Before I start snapping, let me get to my next point... The reason why Scorsese is so high on this list (and even my number 1 pick is somewhat guilty of doing the following) is this: While this guy has been making amazing movies since the 70s, he's never stopped to smell the roses, he still hasn't put his feet up and rested on his legacy. He still challenges himself even after 40+ years in the business and the results are still amazing to watch... Hugo is a huge testament to that! 

Favourite Scorsese movie? I have to pick Goodfellas, it's one of my all time favourite films, and for my money, the best mafia film ever made! Taxi Driver is a very close second, as I consider that to be the best pure character study I've ever seen. De Niro's performance in that movie still gives me chills. I also love The Departed, Raging Bull, The Wolf of Wall Street, and Hugo to death. The only Scorsese film that I wasn't a big fan of was Shutter Island, but even then, the movie was still pretty good. Marty is one of the most beloved filmmakers of all time, and I have to join his massive fan club!

So you're probably wondering, if Scorsese isn't number one, then who is? Well, I'll tell you... after these honourable mentions...


Honourable Mentions:



Steven Spielberg

 

His exclusion might be the most surprising. Well, outside of Jurassic Park, Schindler's List, and maybe Raiders, I'm not the biggest fan of his work. He's made good movies, he just hasn't made many great movies. Also, ET is fucking terrible...

Francis Ford Coppola

Why is he an honourable mention? Because he directed The Godfather and The Godfather Part II...

Why is he not in the top 10? Because he directed The Godfather Part III...

Alfred Hitchcock

 

I've only seen Psycho, and even though I love that movie, it wasn't enough to put him on this list. I am going to catch up on his movies, and if I like enough of them, I just might redo this top 10 in the future.

Brad Bird

 

The Iron Giant, The Incredibles, Ratatouille, and Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. Not too shabby, he'd probably be number 11 or 12 on this list.

Ridley Scott

 

This guy is the poster boy for hit or miss. But I had to mention the guy who made Alien 

Sam Mendes

 

American Beauty and Skyfall... Aaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnd not much else

JJ Abrams

He brought Star Trek back to life
 

Nicholas Meyer

 

He brought Star Trek back to life... Twice!

Mel Brooks

 

I feel bad for keeping him off... and then I remember that Dracula parody... ughhh.

The Coen Brothers

 

I enjoy their movies, I just enjoy other directors's movies more...

Tim Burton

If I made this list in 1999, he'd definitely be on it... But then Alice in Wonderland happened... And Dark Shadows... And Big Fish... And Charlie and the Chocolate Factory... Yeahhh no...




And now, the moment you've all been waiting for: my number 1 favourite movie director of all time is....




1. James Cameron

Yep... I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this at some point on this blog, but James Cameron is my favourite director. Now, if this list was about how directors are as people, he'd be nowhere on this list because he's a fucking asshole... But as a filmmaker, this guy is a mastermind. Everything that I love to see in movies, I can see in his movies. His movies are action packed, they have complex but coherent plots, awesome quotes and one-liners, amazing characters, strong character development, and brilliant, breathtaking visuals. He has a very perfectionist style, as he's very meticulous and leaves no stone unturned in his movies. Since his films tend to be a hybrid of multiple genres, it requires the attention to detail that only he can offer. Hence why no one besides Cameron has been able to make a good Terminator movie... Yeah.

After seeing Star Wars in 1977, he decided to quit his job driving a truck and to get into the filmmaking industry. He made his feature length debut in 1981 with Piranha II: The Spawning. The movie was a total failure, but there was a silver lining to that mess: During production, the stress of having to work in Italy with a crew that didn't speak English gave him a massive nightmare. In this nightmare, he was being chased by a robotic skeleton. He carried this image in his head for years, and in 1984, this robot came to life on the big screen in The Terminator. Produced on a modest budget and starring a then unknown Arnold Schwarzenegger, The Terminator was a box office success and has gone to be known as one of the greatest movies ever made.

That was only the beginning for Cameron, as in 1986, he released Aliens, a sequel to Ridley Scott's 1979 Sci-fi/Horror classic Alien. Combining his own brand of action with the sci-fi and horror elements of the original, Aliens was a complete success both commercially and critically, and has gone down as one of the greatest sequels ever made. He followed that with 1988's The Abyss, the most underrated film in his repertoire. Set in a research tank at the bottom of the sea, the film combines suspense, relentless thrills and (near the ending) awe and wonder. The visuals in that movie were way ahead of their time, and they still look great today! The Abyss wasn't as successful as his previous 2 films, but it didn't disappoint Cameron for long, because his masterpiece was right around the corner...

In 1991, he directed, wrote and produced what would be, in my humble opinion, his best movie and my all time favourite movie: Terminator 2: Judgment Day. A sequel to his 1984 original, T2 was a game changer not only for action movies and sci-fi movies, but for special effects and CGI as well. It his highly regarded as one of the best, if not THE best, sequels ever made, not to mention one of the best films ever made. It ended up winning 4 Academy Awards (Best Sound Mixing, Best Sound Editing, Best Makeup, and Best Visual Effects) which in my opinion was not enough! Everything about T2: the action, the story, the effects, the acting, the cinematography, was perfect! Okay, I won't jerk that movie off any further, moving on...

Cameron showed no signs of slowing down, releasing the fucking awesome action-comedy True Lies in 1994, and then, in 1997, he directed the movie that finally got the Academy to give him the respect he deserves: Titanic. I'm part of the small male crowd that will admit to loving this movie. That movie's love story is what it is, but I thought it was a very accurate representation of what might have actually happened on that fateful 1912 morning... and... yes... a few moments in that movie had me tearing up...

Hey! That scene where you the mom holding the baby frozen in the water... Gah, that's too much man! Anyways, Titanic won 11 Oscars, including Best Picture and a long overdue Best Director Oscar for Cameron. Afterwards, he focused on some independent passion project for nearly a decade, until he directed 2009's Avatar. This movie was a groundbreaking 3D film, with amazing visuals and a pretty good adventure. I do consider this film to be his weakest effort, but I still love the movie! Heck, there's not a single movie of his that I don't love thoroughly (Piranha II notwithstanding), and that's why he's number 1 on my list.

Are you happy with that selection? Are you pissed? Well, make your own top 10 list then! Then we could compare and have endless arguments over the internet!



Well, there you have it, those are my top 10 favourite directors of all time, and I hope you enjoyed reading this list. Feel free to browse through my blog and completely crap on every single article that I've made... I'm out

- Mad Mike of Metal
 

Mad Lists: Top 10 Simpsons Treehouse of Horror Segments

Happy Halloween everybody! Welcome to my Halloween edition of Mad Lists! For this list, I will be counting down my 10 favourite segments of The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror episodes!

Back when I was a child, my favourite holiday was Halloween, and who could blame me? Cool costumes, free candy, giving Jehovas a taste of their own medicine? Awesome! But my absolute favourite thing about Halloween was turning on the tv and watching whatever Simpsons Halloween special was on. Some of my most cherished childhood memories was sitting with the family or friends and watching these laugh-a-minute ghoul fests.

Yes, I know the Simpsons aren't what they used to be, and they're Halloween Specials are no exception to that fact, but I like to look back on this show with positivity, instead of thinking about that Kesha intro. So, sit back and watch me countdown my top 10 favourite Treehouse of Horror segments! There are plenty of hilarious, scary, and ghouly ones to choose from, so... Let's do this!

10. Clown Without Pity

 

Homer: "The doll is trying to kill me and the toaster has been laughing at me!"

This countdown begins with a gem from Treehouse of Horror III. In a parody of the Child's Play saga, Homer buys Bart a Krusty doll from a shady, frogurt loving antique shop owner. Turns out that the doll is cursed and wants to kill Homer... But he came with a free frogurt! From then, hilarity ensues... The doll attacks Homer in a bathtub, tries to stab him multiple times, and even makes Homer run around naked causing Aunt Patty to go lesbian! Eventually, a technician arrives and finds that the doll was set to "evil" and we get a happy ending! This is a terrifically funny segment, and for me, one of my top 10 favourites!

9. King Homer

Bart: "Why don't you tell a story, Grampa. You've led an interesting life..."

Grampa: "That's a lie and you know it! But I have seen a lot of movies..."

In this parody of King Kong (no shit), we see Mr Burns taking a full boat crew to a mysterious island. This crew features seamen, Smithers, and Marge as the bait... Uhh... Bait...thing beauty... The bathing beauty! There we go! They get to the island only to find that the natives there are worshipping this "Homer" fellow. Turns out that Homer is a giant prehistoric ape. The natives eventually capture Marge and try to sacrifice her to Homer... But Homer just finds her hair funny and starts twirling it. This segment is fucking awesome! Making Homer the giant ape was genius, and intertwining his character traits with that of a 50 foot ape was beyond hilarity... Especially when he runs out of breath after climbing two stories of the Empire State Building!

 

8. Nightmare on Evergreen Terrace

Homer: "Lousy Smarch weather!"

So Groundskeeper Willie is a psychotic maniac who kills children in their dreams... And this was surprising to who now? Not gonna lie, this one actually scared me a little bit as a child. Laugh if you want, but there's something about Martin's death in this one still freaks me out. However, even with the eeriness of this episode, it still has some hilarious moments. Mostly when Willie becomes a giant bagpipe and Maggie plugs him with her soother. This parody of Nightmare on Elm Street is awesome and more than worthy of putting on this list!

 

7. Dial Z For Zombies

Bart: "Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders!"

Homer: "He was a zombie?"

Yep, this segment houses one of the greatest quotes in the history of the show, and having our favourite American family fight off hordes of zombies didn't hurt, either. After finding a book of spells in a mysterious section of the school library, Bart and Lisa decide to go to the pet cemetery to attempt to bring Snowball I back to life. Unfortunately, Bart casts the wrong spell and wakes up every rotting body in the Springfield cemetery... Which apparently is the resting place of George Washington, Albert Einstein, and William Shakespeare! This is definitely one of the funniest TOH's ever made! There are tons of hilarious and quotable lines in this one, such as this very memorable exchange between Homer, Bart and Lisa:

This is a classic TOH segment, and I feel very bad putting it at number 7! But hey, shit happens, right?

 

6. House of Whacks

Matthew Perry: "Hi, I'm Chandler... Could I BE any more of a house?"

In this underrated gem, we see James Bond (the bad one) take control of the Simpsons household... in the form of Hal. This machine does everything: he cooks, he cleans, he prepares the perfect bath for Marge, and other neat stuff. Wait... uhh... Well, except for going AWOL and trying to kill Homer by shoving him head-first into a "table cleaner." The Brosnan bot starts to unravel after seeing Marge naked and having Homer tell him "If I died, Marge would be completely available, for man or machine..." From there, the Brosnan bot begins a plot to kill Homer and have Marge to himself. Through some laughs, the Simpson family manages to get out of this mess pretty unscathed, well... other than Homer having his brains sticking out of the back of his head. Enough of me talking about this one, just fucking watch it because it's awesome!

5. The Raven

Quoth the Raven: "EAT MY SHORTS"

This slice of awesomeness comes from the very first Treehouse of Horror, all the way back in season 2! It's not the funniest segment, it's not even the scariest (as Bart points out in this episode), so why is it on this list, you ask? Because it's fucking awesome, that's why! The way these characters were intertwined with this classic tale from Edgar Allen Poe was absolutely genius, and having Darth fucking Vader himself narrate it was brilliant. Even though most of the segment's script was borrowed from the original poem itself, it spawned one of the greatest moments in Simpsons history: When Homer wants the raven to take the beak from out of his heart, the raven (in the caricature of Bart) replies with "Nevermore." This classic told the story in it's own way, yet still paid homage to the classic horror poem!

 

4. Bart Simpson's Dracula

 Lisa: "Um, dad... That's his crotch."

Not going to lie, I feel like putting this at number 4 is too low, but that just goes to show how awesome these TOH's are! In a parody of every vampire movie ever made, the Simpsons make their way to Mr. Burns mansion, located in....

PENNSYLVANIA! dun-dun-dunnnn....

Anyways, so as our heroes make their way through the mansion, Bart and Lisa start to notice some strange things, such as Burns's shadow playing with a yo-yo, blood disguised as wine, and a secret vampire room that forbids garlic! Eventually, Bart gets bitten by Burns and transforms into a vampire himself, leading to Homer pulling off one of the funniest kills in the history of TOH! Unfortunately, Homer killed the wrong guy and the true head vampire is revealed at the end, which is also a hilarious ending! Moving on...



 

3. Time and Punishment

 
Homer: "Marge, would you kindly pass me a donut?"
Marge: "Donut? What's a donut?"
Homer: "AAAAHHHHH!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"
 
Just thinking about this one makes me laugh! When Homer destroys his toaster after getting his hand caught in it (twice!), he fixes it, only to have in turn into a time machine that allows him to chill with Peabody & Sherman! This toaster sends him back to the time when dinosaurs walked the earth. After killing a bug, he returns to present day Springfield to find that Flanders is the ruler of the world! After getting out of that jam, he repeats the cycle only to return to a world where donuts don't exist! That instance of raining donuts might be one of funniest moments in all of television, not to mention when the Simpsons household goes from underwater, to Bart as the Sphinx, to becoming the Flintstones house!

Pound for pound, this is one of the funniest segments in all of TOH, and it earns the bronze medal on this Top 10!

 

2. The Shinning 

Smithers: "Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?"

Mr. Burns: "Mmm, perhaps. Tell you what, we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke."
 
This, to me, is the greatest parody of a horror movie ever made, in any medium, ever! I know that's not saying much, but still. This spoof of Stanley Kubrick's classic thriller is filled to the rim with laughs! From the possible lawsuit that Groundskeeper Willie gets Bart out of, to Moe going all la-dee-da when he talks about how happy he is, to Homer having no tv and no beer and making him go something something, to Homer literally scaring himself in the mirror and falling down the stairs! Just so you know, I'm laughing my fucking ass off as I'm writing this because those moments are so fucking brilliant! I can't really describe The Shinning's awesomeness anymore than I already have, so I'll stop here. It's just... Just watch it! And if you've seen it already, then see it again, because it's fucking awesome!


AND NOW... THE NUMBER ONE TREEHOUSE OF HORROR SEGMENT OF ALL TIME IS.......................

 

1. The Devil and Homer Simpson

Lionel Hutz: "That was a right-pretty speech, sir. But I ask you, what is a contract? Webster's defines it as an agreement under the law which is unbreakable. Which is unbreakable!
...
...
...
... Excuse me, I must use the restroom."


Yes, this is my number 1 choice on this list. Do you disagree with me? Well, let me explain why to you, with help from a few of my friends, they are:

Benedict Arnold
Lizzy Borden
Richard Nixon (I did a favour for him)
John Wilkes Booth
Blackbeard the Pirate
John Dillinger...

... And the starting line of the nineteen seventy-six Philadelphia Flyers!

Okay, all reference aside, if you want to know the core reason of why I love this one more than any other, it's this: Ned Flanders as the Devil was pure fucking genius! It actually makes perfect sense when you think about it. The Devil is a wolf in sheep's clothing, he comes off as your best friend, and he does everything he can to convince you that he doesn't exist. That's Ned in a nutshell! Maybe he's always so religious as a way to cover himself up, did you ever think of that? Okay, I know I'm sounding nuts now, but seriously, Flanders as Satan himself... Brilliance, pure brilliance!

Every line is funny as hell, the premise of Homer's soul depending on a donut is hilarious, and the ill-gotten donut being forever a part of Homer's head will go down as a classic moment in Simpsons lore! To me, this was more than deserving of being number 1! Classic!


Well, there you have it. Do you agree with this top 10? Or am I an idiot? Let me know in the comments.... And before I go, I must say:

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYBODY!

- Mad Mike of Metal
 

Mad Reviews: Gone Girl

A movie where I can watch Ben Affleck get fucked over repeatedly? I'm sold!

Well, I know I sound like a broken record, but 2014 has been a legendary year for movies in my eyes. Just when I thought this year couldn't get any better, here comes David Fincher with another one of his opuses! I've got to say, this movie surpassed my expectations (which were low because of Ben Affleck) and is right up there with Dawn of the Planet of the Apes as one of the best films I've seen this year! Yeah, it's that good! Fincher has done it again!

We open with a shot of Amy Dunne (played by Rosamund Pike) laying on Ben Affleck's chest, we then hear a narration of Ben Affleck doing his best Patrick Bateman impersonation as he's trying to figure out what his wife is thinking. We immediately get a sense that his marriage is falling apart, and that things can't get any worse for him. We then cut to a scene at the bar where Nick Dunne (Affleck's character) decides to have a drink and play some Life with his twin sister Margo. We learn through exposition that this day is Nick and Amy's 5th wedding anniversary, and Nick couldn't look or act more miserably.

Nick and Margo are just shooting the shit at the bar, when suddenly a neighbour calls Nick at the bar (that is owned by Amy) and tells him that his cat is outside. Nick immediately rushes over to take care of the situation, and realized that the front door was left open. He calls for Amy whom he thinks is home, but to no answer. He looks around the house, and sees his glass table shattered on the floor, and signs of a struggle all over the home. He then realizes his wife is missing, and looks like he couldn't give two shits about it. He's the suspect, isn't he? He's gotta be!

That's what the media is going to make everyone in this movie think... Nick is the culprit, guilty of killing his wife before it's even confirmed that she's dead. I guess this is a segue into what I love about this movie, right? Well, first off, I love the social commentary that's ripe throughout this film! Fincher has always had a knack for turning a mirror on society and showing them how pathetic they look, and this movie is no exception. Throughout Gone Girl, we see members of the media rip Nick apart and draw their own conclusions before any facts are in. They pick apart a picture of him smiling (because he can't just be trying to put on a positive face), they condemn him for taking a selfie with a search volunteer (yeah, he can't be thankful, right?), and they even imply that there's some incest going on between him and Margo! All this while turning this missing woman's case into a national news story, and making Nick the most hated man in America. Don't you just love mass media? Fuck!

This kind of commentary is very relatable to what's going on in the real world with this Ebola shit. Now I mean no disrespect to anyone who has been affected by that disease, but fuck man! The media is just blowing it up! Just like they blow everything else out of proportion, so they can keep you scared, keep you in line, and keep their advertisers happy. Fuck them! Wars have killed more people than ebola has! But they won't mention that, right? Of course not, it doesn't suit their interests! Ugh...

So I'm going to move on before I get carried away with my hatred for the media. So... what else did I love about this movie? Well, the story is great! The plot has so many twists and turns (another staple of Fincher movies), and while they are necessary to drive the story, many of these twists will shock the living hell out of you and change your whole perception of where the film is going. When my girlfriend and I saw this movie, there were quite a few times where we looked at each other and said...

 

Yeah, it was like that, and that's another high point of this movie! It brilliantly keeps you guessing and keeps you engaged throughout, which is saying something given that this film is 2 hours and 30 minutes long. The movie also tells its story in a non-linear fashion (a-la Pulp Fiction or Batman Begins), as we get flashbacks of the relationship between Nick and Amy from time to time. This gives the audience a chance to become invested in these characters, and to try to pinpoint the exact moment where the relationship began to fall apart. These flashbacks are so seamlessly intertwined with the main plot that you won't even notice the time jumps, and that is the result of the brilliant direction this movie has!

 

I'm so good with my segues, aren't I? Anyways, this goes without saying, but David Fincher has once again delivered us a twisted mindfuck of a film! The premise of someone's wife being kidnapped has been done a million times by a million other directors, but Fincher tells this story in such a bold unique way that it feels new! Every scene takes us to the next, every flashback is important, every cut is where it needs to be, every twist and turn is in the exact right place, the pacing is pitch perfect... fuck, everything Fincher did with this movie was masterful! Watching him make this must've been like watching him conduct a symphony, it was that great! Oscar worthy, perhaps? Well, we'll wait and see for that... But seriously, anyone who can make squeeze a great performance out of Ben Affleck deserves some kind of award, right?

 

Onto the acting... and holy shit! The acting in this movie is fan-fucking-tastic! Incase you haven't noticed, I'm not the biggest fan of Ben Affleck (I know, shocking, right? Hope you were sitting when you read that), and I was one of the many people who completely snapped when he was announced as the next Batman. But his performance in this movie has officially won me over! He plays the complex role of Nick Dunne beautifully, and you can tell that playing a man who has been ripped apart by the media and the public was pretty easy for him (maybe that was why he was chosen for the role). Will his great performance stop me from making fun of him? Nope... Sorry, but that's just too much fun!

 

Affleck's acting counterpart Rosamund Pike stole the show in this movie. The character of Amy Dunne is just... fucking nuts! As you get to know her character, you feel less and less sympathy for her, to the point where you just wish she would fucking get offed by someone, anyone! Pike's Oscar worthy performance here brilliantly portrays Amy's slow descent into madness, and just shows what lengths that a sociopathic witch can go to if you piss her off! Seriously, Amy was dead set on being a conniving, backstabbing bitch throughout this whole movie. It was almost gut-wrenching to watch what she would do to people!

 

Bitches be cray cray!

 

 

As for the supporting cast, well... Neil Patrick Harris was downright creepy in this movie. I won't give away too much, but he was a crazy obsessive stalker type of person, and it was eerie for me to watch. Mostly because you don't expect the guy who played Barney Stinson to pull off a role like that, but he knocked it out of the park! Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry also did a great job as Nick's lawyer Tanner, a role that seemed custom-made for him. And Carrie Coon was wonderful as Margo, the voice of reason to Nick's roller coaster of a life. So yeah, the acting and characters were all fantastic and well developed. We might see Rosamund Pike holding a golden statue come February! She was that good!

 

Now the ending of this movie was very disappointing to some people, as it didn't really end on a high note. Now I'm not going to spoil it because I don't want whiny babies bitching at me for ruining the movie, god fucking forbid! Seriously, if you don't want spoilers, then don't go on the internet, simple as that! Fuck! Okay where was I? Oh yeah... So the movie actually ended on a very sour note, and it will leave you feeling very empty. But, then again, that's another staple of Fincher films, as he's not the kind of director who'll uplift his audience (Watch Se7en or The Social Network for proof of that). Fincher's movies are grounded in reality, and reality is a cruel, cruel place. Now I haven't read the book, but from what I've heard, the book ends pretty much the same way. So, I guess Fincher was the perfect man to adapt the novel from page to screen!

 

To conclude, this is one of the best movies I've seen this year, and in my opinion, it's David Fincher's best movie since Fight Club, and that's saying a lot! The story is awesome, the acting is awesome, the characters are brilliant, the social commentary is great, and the ending, while cruel, is the perfect conclusion to this movie! I don't really have any complaints about this movie I can think about. This movie is Oscar bait for sure, and I would love see Fincher get one, he is WAY too overdue!

 

This movie gets 5 treasure hunts out of 5 from me! Man 2014 is so awesome!

 

As usual, troll me in the comments below... Or don't... Not like I give a shit.

 

- Mad Mike of Metal

Mad Lists: Top 5 Best & Worst Threequels

 

So after all the reviews this month, I bet some of you readers want to know what my favourite and least favourite third installments are, eh? Well, here my top 5 best and worst if the bunch... Why only 5 movies each? Well, because there are so many bad ones out there that I felt like 10 would be too many for the "best" list. As for the worst, well, I wanted to challenge myself by narrowing it down to only 5.

So here's how the lists are going to work. For the "best" list, I will factor in how good the movie is itself, and how it holds up to the previous installments. For the "worst" list, I will factor in how terrible it is on it's own, and how much of a letdown they were. Simple, right?

Let's not waste anymore time here... Let's start off with the top 5 best threequels!


5. Back to the Future Part III

Doc Brown as a badass cowboy? TAKE MY FUCKING MONEY!!!

After the overcomplicated mess that was BTTF 2. Robert Zemekis and co. Decided to give us a nice simple adventure for the third installment I this beloved franchise. The result? The greatest Sci-Fi/Western crossover ever! As you may know I love western movies so to see the characters I love from Back to the Future in 1885 Hill Valley was quite a treat. Buford "Mad Dog" Tannen was a badass ancestor to Biff, seeing Marty be all cowboy and shit was cool, and as I've said before, Doc Brown was awesome as a Western gunslinger! Now there was one glaring flaw in this movie that involves possible character incest (I'll let you find the flaw), but this movie is awesome! It ends one of the most iconic trilogies of all time on a high note.




4. Star Wars: Return of the Jedi

Now when I mention this movie, I'm talking about the theatrical version, not the bastardized version where Vader yells "NO" when tossing the emperor overboard... ugghhh!

While this movie is not as good as The Empire Strikes Back, it's still a terrific film that completes the story arcs of some of the most iconic characters of all time! Some of my favourite moments of the whole saga are in this one, for example: The scene where Vader threatens to go after Leia, and Luke just snaps and starts whaling on Vader with his lightsaber. The speeder chase through the forest is stuff of legend, and the scene where Yoda "dies" brings on the man-tears. But my favourite part is when the Emperor is zapping Luke, and with the magic of only a camera, you see Vader conflicting with himself as he's watching. He eventually throws the old fart down a fuel shaft and saves Luke... Of course, Lucas had to ruin this scene! *sigh*

Still, this is one of the best, and it lands at number 4 on this list.




3. The Dark Knight Rises

Yes, you're reading this right. As I've stated in my review with Donny, I'm in the "love it" crowd for this one. I won't touch on this more since I've already talked about it. I'll just say that I loved Tom Hardy as Bane, I loved Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, and I'm in the small crowd that loves Bale as Batman. It was satisfying conclusion to one of the greatest trilogies ever.



2. Toy Story 3

You probably didn't expect this one to be so high, did you? Well, this Threequel has everything you could ask for. The stakes are higher, the characters stay true to form, the villain is the best of the series, and the story is funny, deep, intense, and tear-jerking all at the same time. This movie was firing on all cylinders and completely outdid the first two in my opinion, which was an amazing accomplishment in and of itself. It closed out the greatest animated trilogy of all time on one hell if high note, and it lands at number 2.



Aaaaaannnndddd... The top dog, the big cheese, the greatest threequel of all time is...




1. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

 

Well, if you read my review of this just a few days ago, you probably figured it would be number 1!

This movie... wow! I love everything about this film. It steps up its game from the previous two movies, and delivers something that's grand and fucking epic! Clint Eastwood, Eli Wallach, and Lee Van Cleef nail these legendary characters, Ennio Morricone puts on the soundtrack of a lifetime, and  Sergio Leone gives us his greatest work of art. This hands down the greatest threequel of all time and to put it anywhere lower than number 1 would be nuts. This is why movies are made, ladies and gentlemen, this. is. why. movies. are. made.

Here's the theme, just because...

And now... The ones you've been waiting for... Here's my top 5 worst!




5. The Matrix Revolutions

Now Matrix Reloaded wasn't perfect, but to its credit, it felt like it was a massive buildup to this final installment. Instead, we got some dumb machine fight between the sentinels and humans who were in these machine gun-suit thingies left over from the set of T3. Not to mention a lame CGI fest of a final duel between Neo and Agent Smith, complete with a nonsensical ending. This franchise had managed to get its proverbial head shoved completely up its own ass by the end of this movie.

I'm just glad I still have the first movie to love.


4. Transformers: Dark of the Moon

I saw this movie once....

ONCE!

It's kind of hard to talk about this one because I feel like its a copy & paste of Revenge of the Fallen... which was a copy & paste of the first Transformers. The only difference here is that there is a female lead that actually managed to make Megan Fox look like Meryl Streep in terms of acting. Shia Laboeuf is still dumb, the annoying parents are still annoying, John Turturro is still a vehicle for dumb Michael Bay humour, and the explosions are still pointless.

This is a very shitty and unmemorable third installment of a series that is so generic yet unbelievably popular... It's basically the Nickelback of movie franchises.

... Or the male equivalent of Twilight, in which instead of marketing to teenage girls, Transformers markets to teenage boys... Way to make Michael Bay a gazillionaire, you morons!



3. Jurassic Park 3

Raptors with Mohawks? Killing off the T-Rex? Tea Leoni? RIP Jurassic Park franchise.

The first installment if this series was the Star Wars of the '90s, hands down. The Lost World is one of the most disappointing sequels ever made, and then this one put the final nails in the coffin. First they break up Allen and Ellie, which was the biggest strong point of the original (outside of the dinosaurs), and they replace them with an annoying divorced couple that should've been killed off very early in this movie! And don't even get me started on the T-Rex getting killed off! What a joke... I don't care if the Spinosaurus was more powerful or some shit... IT'S THE FUCKING T-REX!

Fuck this, I can't talk about this movie anymore! Moving on...


2. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

Oh for fuck sakes do I have to fucking talk about this piece of shit again? Ugh, fine!

Now you may want to punch me for considering this movie to be worse than the previous 3 films on this list. While I do understand that case, the letdown factor is what puts this campy piece of hackwork so high. Transformers is a shitty Michael Bay franchise to begin with, so it wasn't like you were expecting much by the time Dark of the Moon came out. Jurassic Park was already on life support after the 2nd movie, and same thing goes for The Matrix. Whereas the Terminator franchise had come off 2 of the greatest movies of all time, and to see everything I loved about the first 2 completely fall apart so quickly was way more agonizing than watching pieces of schlock that I knew were coming.

Anyways, I can't go on about this anymore because I've already pointed out every problem I have with this movie in my review of it. It's an insulting, putrefying piece of amphibian shit that should've never been made. If this movie was a man, I would punch him.




And now, the big one, the worst threequel ever made in my eyes... Not to mention the biggest letdown in the history of cinema is...





1. The Godfather Part III

What a mess!

Now I know that there's a crowd out there that will defend this movie to no end, but for me, this belongs at number 1. Why, you ask? Because first of all, I couldn't rank this any higher. Second of all... well... while T3 and Jurassic Park III were ruined by people who didn't know what they were doing, The Godfather Part III was made by the same guys who gave us the first 2 classics! How the hell can people who gave us something so groundbreaking, give us such a massive steaming pile of cow dung? Now I know it was a shameless cash grab, but I've seen cash grabs that had more logic in it than this! This was absolutely despicable, and it leaves fans of the first two with bitter tastes in their mouths.

God I hate this movie so much! Fuck it, I can't talk about this shit anymore. FUCK YOU, GODFATHER PART III, FUCK YOU!


There you have it, guys. I hope you enjoyed threequel month just as much as I have, and if you haven't read any of this month's reviews yet, check them out here:

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

Toy Story 3

The Dark Knight Rises (with DonnyFTW)

The Godfather Part III

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly


Well, that's it for now folks... Until next time, troll my fat ass!

- Mad Mike of Metal